A birthday comes around, and you’re not sure whether to send the message you would once have sent without thinking. You still care about this person, but they’re your ex’s parent, sister or cousin, and you don’t quite know where you fit anymore. Staying close to your ex’s family after divorce can make even an ordinary hello feel complicated.
I tried staying close to my ex’s parents, but it didn’t take long for things to feel awkward, especially as we started dating other people. I love his parents very much, and I’m grateful for the twenty years I had them as an extra set of parents. That hasn’t changed just because our relationship looks different now. I’m sad about it, but I understand that this is part of divorce, and I have no ill feelings toward them.
If you’re figuring out contact with your own former in-laws, I don’t think there’s one answer that fits everyone. Some relationships continue, some become occasional check-ins, and others gradually fade. What matters is finding a way forward that respects the people involved, including you.
You can love them and recognize that things have changed
With his parents, I wondered whether they knew how to support both of us through the changes. Neither of us was asking them to choose, but I thought they might feel caught in that position anyway. Honestly, I don’t know exactly what they felt. I just know that contact became stilted and awkward enough that I eventually felt it was best to stop trying.
Something similar happened with his grandmother, and I’ve learned to accept it, although it was hard. Stepping back didn’t mean those relationships had been meaningless. They were people I loved, and I can still appreciate what we shared without expecting the same closeness now.
You may have your own version of that loss. Perhaps there was no argument or clear ending, just shorter conversations and fewer invitations. Without a direct explanation, it’s tempting to fill in the blanks. Try to separate what you actually know from what you fear they think of you; the decision about your next step can rest on how contact is going, rather than on guessing everyone’s motives.
Look at each relationship separately
I’m still friends with his aunt and a couple of his cousins, and I’m grateful for how they’ve loved and supported me as I’ve moved on. They’ve been able to accept the changes while keeping our friendship intact. I’m glad I got to keep those connections; they’re amazing people.
That’s why I wouldn’t treat an ex’s family as one decision. A friendship with a cousin may feel comfortable even when a relationship with a parent has become difficult. You don’t have to keep everyone equally close, or give up a friendship that works because another relationship didn’t continue.
Think about one person at a time. Do you enjoy talking with them about your lives now? Is there room for your interests and plans, or does every exchange return to your ex? Contact doesn’t have to be perfectly balanced every week, but it helps to notice whether there is a friendship you both want to maintain.
Give continuing contact a manageable shape
If you both want to stay connected, start with something you can comfortably offer. That might be an occasional message, a phone call or a short coffee together. A big family gathering doesn’t have to be the first test, particularly when you’re still finding your footing around changed relationships.
For example, you could say, “I’ve missed talking with you. Would you like to catch up sometime this month?” Adjust the invitation to sound like you, and leave room for them to respond. It gives the other person a clear invitation without asking either of you to promise what the relationship will look like forever.
Family mediator Amanda Singer’s guidance on deciding what contact with former in-laws can look like emphasizes communicating the relationship you want and what you’re comfortable sharing. You might be happy to hear about someone’s work or garden while keeping details of your divorce private. Making that distinction can leave more room for the friendship itself.
Decide what you want to share on social media
I also unfriended some family members on social media. For me, if someone couldn’t love and support me as I moved forward, even while my ex was moving forward too, they didn’t need access to everything happening in my life. I’m talking specifically about social media here, not saying that I ended every family relationship.
Your choice may be different. You could keep a connection, mute updates, share fewer personal posts or remove someone from your account. Think about what you want from that online contact, rather than treating a follow or an unfriend as the final statement on everything the relationship has meant.
If someone asks, a simple explanation may be enough: “I’m keeping my personal updates a little more private right now.” Our guide to saying no without second-guessing yourself offers more help with communicating a limit. You can be considerate without turning your privacy into a conversation you have to keep defending.
If children are involved, their relationships need consideration too
I didn’t navigate divorce with children, so I can’t speak from personal experience about this part. If you do share children, deciding how close you want to be to your ex’s family may sit alongside practical questions about their time with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Aurisha Smolarski’s article on redefining in-law relationships when children are involved distinguishes ongoing adult contact from supporting children’s family connections. It recommends discussing roles and boundaries rather than leaving everyone to assume the old arrangements continue. Your own level of friendship doesn’t have to be identical to your children’s relationships.
Within your existing arrangements, clarify practical details with the appropriate adults: who coordinates a visit, how updates are shared and which conversations stay between adults. Avoid making children carry messages or explain your feelings about a relative. Where arrangements or safety are disputed, get qualified help for your circumstances rather than trying to resolve them through general blog advice.
Let there be room for the relationships you have now
Accepting that some contact has changed can leave an uncomfortable gap. A familiar holiday, a birthday or news you would once have shared may remind you of it. If gatherings are the hardest part, I’ve written separately about getting through your first Christmas after divorce, including missing the people who used to be there.
For everyday life, try giving some attention to the people you feel comfortable with now. Reach out to the cousin whose friendship has continued, call a friend or make a small plan with someone you enjoy. Those connections don’t have to replace anyone; they can simply be part of your life alongside the memories you still value.
This week, choose one relationship and one manageable next step. You might send a warm message, suggest a catch-up or decide to leave contact alone for now. I still love his parents, and I’m grateful for the years they were part of my life in that way. Understanding that things have changed doesn’t take that gratitude away.
