My first Christmas after divorce was hard, especially waking up alone that morning. The evenings were usually the hardest part of being by myself, but Christmas morning had its own sadness. I still made cinnamon rolls because they were a tradition I loved, and honestly, I didn’t want to give them up just because I was making them for one.
So I had my cinnamon rolls, watched Christmas movies and spent a quiet morning at home. I saw a little family for a few hours later in the day, then came home to spend the evening by myself again. There were things I enjoyed, but I also talked with people I loved, played the piano and cried. I knew it would get easier, even though that first Christmas was hard to get through.
If you’re coming up on your first holiday season after divorce, you may be wondering how you’re going to handle it. Maybe you’re missing the people you’d normally spend it with, or the traditions that used to make this time of year feel familiar. I want to share a little of my experience and what helped, along with a few ideas you can adapt to your own day. You don’t have to figure out the whole season at once.
Missing the people who used to be part of your holidays
One of the hardest parts for me was seeing pictures of my ex’s family together. I’d always enjoyed those gatherings, and then there they were, smiling and celebrating, with his new girlfriend sharing that time with them. I wasn’t jealous; I was sad because I missed being there with people I loved. I knew they still loved me too, but the divorce had changed where I fit into those holidays, and that hurt.
Maybe you’re missing something similar. It can be hard to explain how much changes beyond the relationship itself, especially when there are people you still care about and traditions you’re no longer part of. If seeing those photos makes an already difficult day worse, consider muting an account for a while or taking a break from the app. You can also ask friends not to fill you in on what your ex is doing. Caring about those people doesn’t mean you have to follow every part of their holiday right now.
If you’ve already seen something that hurts, try putting your phone down before you keep looking. Give yourself a few minutes to call someone, make something to eat or have a cry, rather than scrolling through more pictures while you’re upset.
Keeping a little of what you love
Making cinnamon rolls was a small thing, but it was a part of Christmas I wanted to keep. Having them by myself was different, of course, and I was still glad to have something I enjoyed that morning. You may have a tradition like that too, whether it’s a favorite breakfast, the movies you always watch or a recipe you look forward to making.
Think about which parts you’d like to keep this year and which ones feel like too much. You might want to decorate a little, rather than bring out everything, or do something completely different for the day. It’s okay to leave some decisions until next year instead of trying to establish a whole new set of traditions while you’re still adjusting.
There may be moments when you’re enjoying yourself and then suddenly miss someone. That was part of my experience too. I could enjoy my favorite things and still be sad about how much had changed, so please don’t feel that a difficult moment has spoiled the whole day.
Making a plan for the quiet hours
Although I saw family that first Christmas, I was still alone for a good part of it. That’s worth thinking about as you make your own plans, because having somewhere to go for lunch may leave you wondering what you’ll do when you get home. The part you’re most worried about could be the morning, the evening, coming home after work or the hours after the children leave.
Start with those hours and think about what might make them a little easier. You could have an easy dinner ready, choose a movie or arrange a call with someone you trust. If you’re working that day, having something to eat when you get home might be enough of a plan. Keep it realistic for how you’re likely to feel, and leave yourself room to change your mind rather than filling the day with things you feel obliged to do.
I’ve written more about feeling comfortable alone after divorce if you’d like some ideas for getting used to time on your own. Still, there will be days when you’d rather have company, and it’s worth letting someone know instead of hoping they’ll realize you need it.
Letting someone know you could use some company
A small, specific request can be easier to make than trying to explain everything you’re feeling. You could text a friend, “I think Christmas evening might be hard for me. Would you have time for a quick call?” Or you might ask them to meet for coffee before their plans start. If that time doesn’t work, a walk the next morning or a call later in the week can still give you something to look forward to.
When family is far away or spending time with them is complicated, think about who else you feel comfortable with. A friend, a neighbor or a local gathering might be a better fit. If you’re considering an event, check the hours and any cost beforehand so you know what to expect.
Talking with loved ones helped me, even though I still had sad moments afterward. You can be grateful for the time you spent together and wish the evening felt less lonely. If your social circle has changed since the divorce and you’re unsure who to reach out to, this post about rebuilding friendships has some ideas for getting started.
If you’re spending part of the holiday without your children
I didn’t go through this with children, so I can’t speak from experience about that part. My heart goes out to the women trying to make the holidays special for their kids while also facing time apart from them, especially that first year when everyone is getting used to the changes.
The American Academy of Pediatrics’ guidance for families after divorce offers a helpful starting point. It recommends keeping children out of disagreements between parents, not using them to pass messages and keeping routines as predictable as possible. Children also need room to enjoy time with each parent without feeling guilty about it.
Within your existing arrangements, help your children understand where they’ll be and when, and give them space to talk about how they’re feeling. Make sure you have another adult to turn to for your own support as well. If safety concerns or disagreements about arrangements are involved, seek qualified support for your situation rather than relying on a general holiday plan.
Please include yourself in the planning too, even if most of your attention is on the kids. Having someone you can call after they leave, or something simple planned for the evening, may help you feel less alone during those hours.
Giving yourself room to have a hard day
Playing the piano is therapeutic for me, and it was one of the things I turned to that Christmas. Along with watching movies and talking with loved ones, it gave me something familiar to spend time doing, even while I was sad. Honestly, I had to let myself feel what I was feeling and get through the day as best I could.
Think about what usually brings you a little comfort, whether that’s music, a favorite show or sitting with someone who will listen. You don’t have to make yourself feel festive before you can take care of yourself, and you can stop an activity if it’s making the day harder. If you’re struggling to cope, a qualified counselor can also help you find support beyond what a blog post can offer.
As the holiday gets closer, choose one thing that might help: keep a tradition you love, make a plan for the part you’re dreading or let someone know you could use a call. I knew it would get easier, even during that first Christmas when I was crying, but I also had to get through the day in front of me. If that’s where you are right now, I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself as you figure out what you need this year.
