Hello my fearless femmes. I wanted to take a moment to share some of my story with you. You probably have heard me mention on many occasions by now “I want to use the hard or difficult things I have been through to encourage and inspire others”. If you haven’t heard me say it yet, I can guarantee you will lol. But that’s pretty vague right? There’s a time and place to get into it and there’s so much to my story that most of the time it’s easier to keep it brief. However, I think it’s important to share with you how I got to where I am now, how Fearless Femme came to be, and why people tell me I have been inspiring to them. I hope by the time you’re done reading this you’ll feel like you know me a little better and have a better understanding of who I am and why I have a heart to encourage and love others so much.
***Warning this may contain triggers for some. Please read with caution.
When Life Gives You Lemons…
2022 was quite literally the worst year of my life… Don’t get me wrong, I had already been through a lot of hard things at this point. My childhood wasn’t easy, I was married at 18 and we struggled through the stages of becoming entrepreneurs (for those who know, you know), in 2021 my then husband ripped his shoulder out of socket which required surgery, PT and lots of down time, then hurt his back to the point he could barely move for weeks, and last but not least got COVID so badly he ended up in the hospital and at one point we were concerned he may not make it back out. On top of that, by 2022 I had had 7 miscarriages (8 lost babies), one loss was a particularly traumatic one at 16 weeks (I will spare you the details), two were ectopic pregnancies, one of which almost took my life, and I had also done one round of IVF that had failed. My dreams of becoming a mother, which I had been dreaming about since I was young, was looking bleak.
And then… 2022 happened.
In July we had attempted another round of IVF and we were so hopeful that it was finally going to be our time. But by the end of August the worst call of my life came. Not only was the round of IVF unsuccessful, it was time to let go of my dream of having my own children. My eggs were too few and in not good enough shape to try another round, and getting pregnant naturally was too high risk for both me and having more miscarriages were most likely to happen. To say I was devastated, well, I don’t think there are words to described how I felt that day. I had always felt like my purpose up until that point was to raise children and now what? I will add, during these years of loss we were also extremely hurt by the church but I won’t get into that now. But let’s just say it didn’t help anything and ultimately made all of the pain and trauma so much worse.
And you may be thinking… Well you can always adopt. I get that and I was open to that but one, it’s super expensive. Two, it was my dream to at least have one of my own. And three, at this point my husband was so traumatized and tired he wasn’t sure he even wanted to adopt. At that point I was completely lost and fell into the worse bout of depression I had every experience where I was questioning my life and why I was even on this earth.
And then 2022 got worse.
My husband and I were considered the “dream” couple. We had been through so much and yet were about to celebrate 20 years of marriage. That was HUGE! We were the couple everyone looked up to. If anyone was going to make it, it was us. Even I thought he was going to be my forever. I knew we had issues but I was convinced we could work through anything if we were both willing. I am just not the type of person to give up. What can I say, I am a very loyal person…
In early October though, just a week after by 38th birthday, my husband of 20 years comes to me and says he’s done. He’s unhappy and he doesn’t want to do this with me anymore. He had been unhappy for years and I had had no idea. How can you live with someone for so long, be so close to someone, and yet you have no idea just unhappy they are? Looking back I realize I wasn’t very happy either, but in that moment I was so confused and so hurt. This was my high school sweetheart, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the man I was going to grow old with, and he was walking away?
Devastation took on a new meaning in that moment. Everything I thought I wanted and had planned for my life fell apart. No children, no husband… What was I going to do? Where was I going to go? Who the hell am I? I had just spent 20 years of my life as his wife, his sidekick, his events coordinator, his cheerleader, the women who wanted babies, who was fighting to have babies, the woman who was going to be such a good mom, and now what?
What’s crazy is there’s even more to my story during this period of time (i.e. losing my best friend and her daughter (who was my little sidekick and partner in crime), both my parents finding out they had cancer, and my alcoholic dad making my life very difficult due to poor life choices). But at this point I am feeling like you get the gist. 2022 gave me a shit ton of lemons and I had some big choices to make… how was I going to handle it and how was I going to come through it to the other side?
To Say I Know What It Means to Start Completely Over Is An Understatement
In 2023 I started over in every sense of the meaning. New life, new dreams, new job, new me. I got a new job as a bartender, I moved out on my own for the first time in my life, and experienced being single for the first time in my adult life.
It hasn’t been easy but it’s been worth it…
I know it’s crazy to say it’s been worth it right?!? But really, it has. I am so happy now. 2022 feels like a lifetime ago. I have a confidence I have never in my life had before and I know my freaking worth! I have learned so much about myself, grown so much, and at the end of the day I am so proud of how I have handle all the lemons life has thrown my way! I made freaking limoncello y’all and 2023 turned into one of the best years of my life which I will share more with you later.
After everything I have been through I am now so passionate about sharing this journey with you. I want to share all that I have learned, all that’s helped me get to where I am now, and all that will help me in the future as I continue to face of hard things head on. I know we can do hard things and come out on top dammit! So let’s do it together!
You are not alone…
If you have been through a lot of hard things too, I hope reading my story makes you feel a little less alone. I hope you will join our community of amazing women and share with us and grow with us. We are meant to live, not just exist! I am determined to live a life that sets my soul on fire no matter what life throws at me and I hope you will make that commitment too. Life is too short to be depressed, sad, bitter, or stuck. Let’s take life by the horns, work through our shit, and become the best versions of ourselves we can be!
Until next time…thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I can’t wait to walk this journey with you. You are amazing and you are worthy! Please don’t ever forget that.
P.S. That season of lemons eventually led me to create When Everything Changes — the guided workbook I wish I had when my life felt uncertain and upside down. If you’re in your own rebuilding chapter, it was written with you in mind.
